I am still doing a lot of self-discovery and introspection these days. As I recently posted, I have come to realize that I am on the asexual spectrum, being both demisexual and sapiosexual. Another thing I have come to realize is that I am not strictly cisgender either (cisgender is identifying with the sex you were born with), however I also know I’m not transgender either (transgender is identifying with the gender that is opposite of the sex you were born with).
So I’ve been trying to figure out, what am I?
One thing that not everyone knows about me, is the fact that when I was a young child, I actually insisted I was a boy. That lasted until I was about 4 or 5 years old, when I accidentally walked in on a boy in a bathroom and saw how different his parts were from mine. However, I still preferred wearing boys clothing and my grandmother happily encouraged me to dress and look like a boy, as you can see in the photo. Part of her motivation, I think, was her constant paranoia about my being grabbed by a stranger and sold for sex trafficking (which apparently she didn’t think ever happened to little boys. Oops).
So, from the age of five, I understood that physically I was a girl, but I didn’t understand why I never fit in with other girls. I preferred hanging out with boys and talking about and doing more “boy” type of activities (playing with cars, toy guns, making mud pies, playing with bugs). I was never into playing with dolls. One of my favorite things to do was dress up like one of the Hardy Boys (not Nancy Drew) and go sleuthing around the house, trying to find mysteries to solve. I even had a little “detective hat”!
Anyway, my point is, I never felt like a normal “girl” in school, and to be honest to this day I still don’t. I have gone through more feminine phases, mostly trying to fit in, and generally failing. To this day, most of my friends are male, although I have found some female friends who aren’t into talking about shoes, soap operas or fashion trends. I prefer discussing the latest scientific discoveries, my favorite video games, and any and all things Sci-Fi.
Now with all that being said, you might think I identify as male and am transgender. However, I am perfectly fine using female pronouns (her/she). The pronouns have never bothered me. I may have some mild dysphoria, where I go through phases where I wish I had male bits instead of female bits, but not enough to want to go through a transition. Also sometimes I like my female bits. This is where the gender identity of being bi-gender comes in
Bi-gender is a gender identity which can be literally translated as ‘two genders’ or ‘double gender’. Bigender people experience exactly two gender identities, either simultaneously or varying between the two. These two gender identities could be male and female, but could also include non-binary identities. In my case, I think I experience both male and female identities simultaneously. I certainly express myself in both masculine and feminine ways at the same time (I wear generally more masculine clothes, I have more masculine interests, but I still like getting my nails painted and my hair done).
Coming to the conclusion that I am bi-gender has clarified a lot of things for me in my past. I think one of the many reasons men never hit on me is because of my dual-gender presentation. They probably look at me and get so many mixed signals from me that it’s just confusing and they don’t bother with it. I know when I show people photos of me when I’ve actually been dressed more feminine, I get lots of compliments of how cute or pretty I am (or was anyway), but when I am just out and about men don’t find me attractive at first sight.
I know my husband didn’t find me attractive initially, and I loved his honesty for telling me that. However, as he started to get to know me as we kept interacting in the same social circle, that began to change until he finally asked me out and after that he was hooked! (Seriously, we were practically attached at the hip for the first 2 years at least).
So what does this all mean? In the grand scheme of things in my life, not a lot. I finally have a sense of clarity I haven’t had before. However I am not changing my name (again), not changing the pronouns I use, and I’m still attracted to masculine people (I say that instead of men, because besides being attracted to masculine cisgendered men, I am also attracted to masculine transgendered men as well). Technically that means I’m straight. I just love the fact I understand myself a lot better now. Many things about myself confused me for so many years and it just feels good to know that there are others out there that are like me.
So like it or not, this is who I am!