Coming Out as Demisexual

One thing that I have noticed over the past year since losing my husband, is the fact that a lot of people seem to take great interest in my sex life (or lack thereof). If I say “it’s too soon” they will often back off but if I say that I have no interest in going out and dating or seeking a new partner they seem to immediately want to change my mind, saying things about how I shouldn’t be alone (why not?), time is running out (for what?). The more vulgar folks have even go so far as to say I will eventually need someone to “take care of my needs.” As if I weren’t completely capable of doing that by myself.

What I think people don’t seem to realize, and so I am writing it here explicitly, I am demisexual.

A demisexual is a person who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form a strong emotional connection with someone. It’s more commonly seen in but by no means confined to romantic relationships. The term demisexual comes from the orientation being “halfway between” sexual and asexual. Nevertheless, this term does not mean that demisexuals have an incomplete or half-sexuality, nor does it mean that sexual attraction without emotional connection is required for a complete sexuality. In general, demisexuals are not sexually attracted to anyone of any gender; however, when a demisexual is emotionally connected to someone else (whether the feelings are romantic love or deep friendship), the demisexual experiences sexual attraction and desire, but only towards the specific partner or partners.

When describing demisexuality as an orientation to sexuals, sexuals often mistake it as an admirable choice rather than an innate orientation. Demisexuals are not choosing to abstain; they simply lack sexual attraction until a close relationship is formed. (Source: http://wiki.asexuality.org/Demisexual).

I spent the past year doing a lot of self-discovery and introspection and through that is how I came to realize that I really am demisexual. So that explains why I generally don’t feel any interest in sex unless I have formed an emotional bond with someone. My husband and I spent a year becoming friends before we started dating or even having sex. By the time we first had sex, I had formed a very strong emotional bond with him and I was sexually very attracted to him.

It also explains why when men flirt with me in an overtly sexual way, it immediately makes me lose interest in them and in many ways makes me cringe. Any man who comes on too strong sexually with me makes me want to run away as fast as possible, no matter how physically attractive they might be.

I know for people who experience normal sexual attraction, they don’t seem to understand how I am perfectly happy going without sex for months or years.

Just trust me when I say that I’m fine. Don’t worry about me, because I just happen to find a lot of things more interesting than sex. I don’t plan to go out of my way to meet someone, but if I happen to come across someone that I am able to form a bond with, I won’t push them away. They just need to accept the fact that I cannot and will not be intimate with them until an emotional bond has formed between us.

 

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