Lately I’ve very much felt as if I’m stuck in limbo. I have a need to move forward with my life, but I’m stuck treading water and it’s getting to a point where it’s really frustrating.
I no longer have the same love and passion for my consulting work that I once had. A big part of that is because of the loss of my husband. We had always been able to talk and bounce ideas off each other regarding our work, and without him it’s just all felt hollow and meaningless. Talking to him always helped me get out of a rut and I miss that.
In addition to that, I’ve found I greatly enjoy writing and I want to continue to write. However, most of the writing I do doesn’t bring me any income whatsoever. I dearly love writing fan fiction, but it can really never be more than a hobby.
That being said, I do have my novel, which I am still hoping to publish. The editing process is slow, especially when I’m waiting on others who have volunteered to help me. I’m not complaining at all. The fact that anyone at all volunteered to help is amazing and I’m doing my best to be patient. Despite that, even if I do get the novel published, there’s no guarantee it’s going to earn me a livable income. Despite that, I actually plan to make the story into a series of five novels. I’ve already written summaries for all five.
Another plan of mine is to start instructing at the local university where I live. There’s a good chance that will happen, but again I’m having to wait. I’m waiting for the department head to get back from vacation. I’m waiting for them to review my application and resume. I’m waiting to have a chance to talk to them about my qualifications and hope that they’ll give me a chance. Even then, I’ll have to wait until at least Spring 2018 before I can start.
So, here I am, stuck between who I was and who I want to be going forward. There is not much else for me to do but sit back and wait to see what happens. If the novel doesn’t get published and the university work doesn’t happen, then I’m back at square one, trying to figure out what to do next.
Eighteen months ago, my life had been figured out. I was happily married, we had the home of our dreams, we were both working jobs we enjoyed. Money was a little tighter than it had been because my husband took a serious cut in income when he left his high tech job, but he had so much less stress and I was starting to really ramp up my business to help fill the gap. I dreamt of just growing old together with my husband, and of the all the adventures we could still have together. I hadn’t anticipated being alone again, trying to figure out my life all over again.
I am up for the challenge, but there are just days when I just wish everything would just fall into place. It’s the uncertainty over my future that’s causing me to feel just a little lost these days.